poetry

A Letter To You That I Probably Won’t Send

 My mind is a mess

And not the glitter kind

It’s dark and cold

On a steep decline

 

I thought we were okay

But maybe we’re not

Because I am fucked up

And there’s a lot I cannot

 

I speak to my shrink

And she’s worried about me

Because I’m not the person

That I used to be

 

A shell of myself

Pretending to be

A confident, happy,

Hypocritical me

 

I am not happy

But I pretend to be

So I don’t cause tension

Between you and me

 

You patience is lacking

And I don’t blame you at all

Because my mind is a bomb

And my anxiety list tall

 

I don’t want to burden

You with all my shit

So I just stopped talking

Rather than admit

 

That I feel like you don’t care

With your phone in your hand

I am just not as interesting

As people from other lands

 

Facebook is the enemy

And I’m feeling jealous

I just want time together

Time that we can relish

 

It’s been two years

And I’m still not ‘fixed’

Funny that really

Because I’ve been through shit

 

I never expected you to stay

And I’m glad you stayed there

But is now the time

That you’re regretting you cared?

 

You say you love me

And I fucking love you

But why is it so hard

For us to construe

 

Each other’s actions

For we are so different

Yet that doesn’t mean

We should be belligerent

 

We need to talk

But you refuse to speak

It’s as if you’re afraid

That I’ll see you as weak

 

You see I really don’t know

If you love me at all

You seem so distant

And I feel so small

 

I know it’s a test

And I don’t want to fail

But it’s getting harder each day

When you hide behind a veil

 

You’re not to blame

Because I’ve stopped talking too

But you know my problems

And they’re not to do with you

 

My childhood was crap

And don’t we both know it

But the future is ours

And I don’t want it to be shit

 

We need more time

To spend together

But with different lives

That’s a lot of pressure

 

I guess what I’m trying

To say in all this mess

Is that if you don’t want me

Then please don’t stress

 

I’m not okay

But that’s no need to stay

I’ve been through worse

I live through the grey

 

Please just tell me

Because I cannot survive

With you and me

If you’re living a lie

 

I know I’m fucked up

And I love that we’re ‘us’

But trust me I’ll go

If you no longer trust

 

That we work together

I am chalk and you’re cheese

But I was hoping you’d fight

For one more day, please

 

I’m babbling now

And this is getting quite long

And I know your concentration

Lasts no longer than a song

 

Maybe just listen

And have a think

There’s not use crying

Over split ink

 

I love you more

Than the stars in the sky

And for that, if you choose

To go, I won’t cry

 

Too much anyway

I can’t promise I won’t

Because I’m letting you go

But I’m praying you don’t

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